Stylish Conviction: Why Elegance is the Best Way to Make an Impression
During my last visit to the local city library, a book titled “Elegance: On an Attitude that Enriches Our Interactions” caught my eye. I hesitated for a moment, as I was on my way to the second floor. Simultaneously, I wondered what the author had to say on the subject. A glance at the blurb couldn’t hurt. I don’t know if there’s a universally accepted definition of the term (likely). However, what draws me is the comparison between my perspective and a potential new one on the topic. Without ever having deeply considered what elegance means to me, I’ve always assumed that a person either possesses it or doesn’t. What I mean is that, for me, elegance is something that can’t easily be put into words. It’s not a one-dimensional concept. Elegance is not just good fashion sense. It has a lot to do with sophistication, a certain way of expressing oneself and presenting oneself, indeed, appearing. This attitude is evident to me in some period dramas. But I’ve also observed elegance in a few personalities I’ve met in my life. Few, indeed, but they do exist. So, I have enough reason to delve deeper into the conceptual framework.
Barbara Vinken, a German literary scholar and fashion theorist; also a Professor of General Literature and Romance Philology at Ludwig Maximilian University of Munich, wrote the aforementioned book. So, I borrow her work and take it home. During a train ride to the Harz, this book becomes my companion. The introduction features Beau Brummell, aka “The Ultimate Man of Style,” to use Ian Kelly’s words. This early 19th-century bon vivant presumably embodies exactly what Vinken understands by elegance: good looks, a refined yet simple style of dress, excellent manners, and a life philosophy that instantly cheers me up: “Any idea of housekeeping repels the dandy; above all, the idea of earning his own money seems utterly vulgar. He spends vast sums he doesn’t have on the most exquisite things, often quite unspectacular and unobtrusive, without batting an eyelid.” Delightful!
Madame de Pompadour: “Always be cheerful if you want to be beautiful.”
And the wonderful thing is, this is not about an affected, self-absorbed fop wearing the latest fashion or, better yet, becoming trendy through wearing it. No, our Beau carries elegance in his heart. This means Bryan’s life elixir is not the same as that of a Narcissus. Unlike the Greek youth, it’s not about his reflection but rather about being pleasing. Quelle différence! His goal is to perfect the elegance of a cheerful attitude. Alors, my imagination immediately runs wild, bringing to mind a quote from the film “The Counselor”: “Perhaps women are fascinated by men without morals? Of course, men like that in women too. But men delude themselves into thinking they can change women. Women don’t want to change anything; they want to be entertained. The truth about women is you can do anything with them, except bore them.”
And what modern, though literary, figures come to mind? One is Martin Suter’s protagonist in his “Allmen” crime series. Johann Friedrich von Allmen is the perfect dandy: no money, immensely charming, spends other people’s money, is somehow always broke. Loves the good life and women.
These characteristics are also wonderfully embodied by Larry from the series “The Durrells in Corfu.” A semi-successful writer with many romantic entanglements, also without money, but with style.
Louis d’Orléans, duc de Nemours
As another example of consummate gallantry, Vinken cites the Duke of Nemours: “He takes pleasure in everything and delights everyone, is cheerful and lively. With utmost tact, he discreetly helps out of a predicament, generously and discreetly resolves any embarrassment. He is extremely quick-witted, barely flustered, and lets others maintain their composure. In short, the Duke of Nemours is the most pleasant, lovable, lively courteous, exquisitely charming man imaginable.” I can’t imagine any woman who wouldn’t want to meet this gentleman immediately, myself included 😊.
Now, after the first wistful sigh, the thought sneaks into my head where one could find such a man today? Among the many “high achievers” in society, women will likely search in vain. High achievers, as Vinken reports, “have no charm to spare, no minute to waste, no smile to squander. They relentlessly pursue their interest with steely determination. Their minds are filled with numbers, not witty remarks or charming attentions.” How sad, because, isn’t it precisely this play between man and woman that sweetens everyday life, makes one forget worries, in short: makes life together worthwhile? Is it true that “charming courtship” is extinct because it costs time and perhaps money? According to the findings of Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz’s study “The Good Life,” this is rather short-sighted. For feeling happy and being healthy is not necessarily a matter of money or fame. Relationships, the human connection, the sense of being part of a community are the crucial factors.
The Unwillingness to Ever Imagine What the Other Is Going Through
In contemporary interactions, it seems to me, elegance in the sense of an attentive attitude towards others is a character trait that one must afford to have. One who has even written a book about it is Count Baldessare Castiglione. His work “Libro del cortegiano” (The Book of the Courtier) from the 16th century is about nothing less than a “successful and delightful togetherness.” Perhaps a notion nowadays that might seem strange to some.
Especially in relationships, whether in love or “just” friendship, it’s important, as psychologists Ivan and Marianne Verny point out, to be responsive to each other, to listen, to take the other seriously, to respect them. No one wants to be lectured by the other. Why not sometimes play the “Chevalier des dames”?
The Lightness of Being
With the terms “sprezzatura” (seeming effortlessness) and “disinvoltura” (generous carelessness), the Italian language has found two words worth embodying. “Carrie Bradshaw,” the icon from “Sex and the City” embodies this attitude for me. Even if she’s just a fictional character. However, there must be a reason why the series was not only very successful on TV but specifically Bradshaw became a fan favorite.
And if you want to be elegant, as Vinken informs us, then you should not put others in their place, have the grace to let the other be sovereign, not objectify or use them. Her advice: “Give the other space.” True elegance is not about appearances but is an attitude of kindness.
