In Search of Mr. Securely Attached: Is My Date a Steady Rock or an Emotional Tsunami?
As announced yesterday, today brings the second part of my mini-series “Finding Mr. Right.” This time, it’s all about how I find the needle in the haystack – or at least try to. Recognizing a secure attachment style in someone you’ve just met can be a challenge. That’s the hardest part. However, there are clues and behaviors that can indicate someone is securely attached. Here are some tips on how to find out:
- Pay attention to communication: Open and honest communication. People with a secure attachment style tend to speak openly about their feelings and thoughts. They aren’t afraid of conflict and are willing to address and resolve issues directly.
- Observe behavior in stressful situations: Calmness and stability. Securely attached individuals remain calm and composed even in stressful situations. They can regulate their emotions and don’t get easily flustered. I once had a dentist who had such a calming effect on me – but he was already married 🙂
- Notice the closeness-distance dynamic: Balanced closeness behavior. These people are not afraid of intimacy, but they’re also comfortable with a bit of distance. They respect their partner’s personal boundaries and expect the same in return.
- Check for reliability and availability: Securely attached individuals are reliable and keep their promises. They are emotionally available and support their partner in difficult times.
- Question the relationship with family and friends: People with a secure attachment style usually have stable and positive relationships with their families and friends. They speak respectfully about the important people in their lives and maintain close social contacts.
- Pay attention to interest in your needs: Securely attached people show genuine interest in their partner’s needs and feelings. They are empathetic and strive to understand and support their partner.
- Ask about past relationships: People with a secure attachment style can openly discuss their past relationships with insight and reflection. They don’t make sweeping accusations against their ex-partners and have learned from their experiences.
- Observe how they handle criticism: Securely attached individuals don’t take criticism as a personal attack and are willing to learn from it and improve.
Example questions you can ask your date:
- “How do you handle conflicts in a relationship?”
- “What is most important to you in a partnership?”
- “What does an ideal relationship look like for you?”
- “What was your relationship with your parents like when you were growing up?”
From Drama to Dharma
Even though there’s no guarantee of immediately recognizing someone with a secure attachment style, these clues and behaviors can help you better assess whether your new acquaintance is securely attached. Trust your gut feeling and pay attention to how comfortable and safe you feel in their presence. Ultimately, a secure attachment style often reveals itself through a balanced, respectful, and loving way of interacting with each other.
That all sounds pretty reasonable. But where, please, are these securely attached men hiding? Finding the right place and method to meet someone with a secure attachment style can be just as important as recognizing the traits of a secure attachment style itself. Here are a few tips, although I have to admit that a good dose of luck is probably also involved. That’s something I seem to have been missing so far:
Shared Interests and Hobbies
People with a secure attachment style are often open and interested in new activities. Here are a few possibilities:
- Sports clubs: Yoga (though I rarely encounter men there), running (hmm, I’m usually running alone), tennis (but first, I’d need a tennis partner), or team sports.
- Art and cultural events: Theater groups, museum visits, or art classes. Well, I go to exhibitions so often, but it’s either just women or older men, who are usually married anyway.
- Education and further training: Workshops, language courses, or evening classes at adult education centers. Unfortunately, these are often female-dominated spaces too 🙁
- Volunteer work and charity:
Friends and networking: Recommendations and introductions from friends can be very helpful, as friends often share similar values. True. But unfortunately, they also don’t have any eligible, securely attached men in their circles. And if they did, well, they’d probably have snapped them up themselves.
Finding a Secure Attachment Style in Online Dating?
That leaves us with online dating platforms, and they truly are a category of their own. Just recently, I read that 42% of profiles on Tinder & Co. belong to married men or those who are at least in a relationship. Either they want to test their market value or save money on a prostitute.
At the end of my post today, let me share a little story about my latest experience (laughter allowed).
With a Lasso to Happiness? – A (Not So) Modern Fairy Tale About the Dream Man Who Wasn’t
Sometimes I wonder if the universe is playing a trick on us – especially when it comes to online dating. It’s like a modern fairy tale: You browse through profiles like a window shop full of shoes, and then, suddenly, there he is – the dream man. He looks good, is charming, and talks about deep feelings and the desire for a serious relationship. But as it turns out, fairy tales are not always what they seem.
David – no, of course, that’s not his real name, but let’s use it for now – seemed like the perfect candidate, at least at first glance. Tall, charming, with a penchant for deep conversations about real life. But appearances can be deceiving, as I unfortunately discovered.
From the very first meeting, David made it clear that he wanted to capture his future partner with a lasso – metaphorically speaking, of course. He had clear ideas about how his life should go, and a woman who didn’t immediately fall in line with his plans had no chance with him.
And then it started: The first words out of his mouth were not compliments or polite greetings but a snarky remark that I was arrogant. Why? Because apparently, I focus too much on my appearance and intelligence. “I don’t care about looks and education,” he said with a smile that could only be described as condescending. And then the kicker: “I didn’t even bother to shower or dress properly for this meeting.” Wow, if that isn’t a sign of respect!
And the best part? He also openly admitted that his manner of speaking was “snarky.” Well, at least he was honest about that. But I have to admit, there are more pleasant things to hear on a first date. One would think he might have at least tried to make a good impression, but no – apparently, it was part of his charm to bluntly tell you not to think too highly of yourself.
The icing on the cake? If you present yourself online in stylish pictures, he simply doesn’t respond. Because he can’t stand self-impressed blondes who focus only on their looks. And from a “strained conversation,” as he puts it, he had had enough – he wanted it casual and effortless. Sounds like a real dream man, right?
Of course, there was always this subtle accusation that I should conform to his wishes. In his eyes, the countryside was the perfect place to start a family, and I should leave my city life behind, hop on the next train, and move in with him and his snake. After all, it was my job to be available whenever it suited him. Ah, the fairy tale of the prince and his fair maiden seemed a bit different in my memory.
So, ladies, if you come across a fairy tale prince with a lasso next time, think carefully about whether you really want to be captured. Maybe it’s better to focus on the shoes in the window – they do exactly what they’re supposed to and look damn good while doing it. And who knows, maybe the real fairy tale is waiting around the next corner – without a lasso and snarky remarks.
Despite it all, I remain hopeful that Mr. Emotionally Available will come my way. It’s just a matter of time – and my patience 🙂
