Always the Wrong Men? Welcome to the Club
The Difficult Search for the Right Partner: What Attachment Theories and Fears Have to Do with It
Welcome to my crazy love life. I’m still on the hunt for the right man, and it’s not as easy as it sounds. Along the way, I’ve learned that it’s not just about looks or shared hobbies. No, there’s much more to it. On one hand, there are the attachment theories by John Bowlby, an English scientist. On the other hand, there’s the concept of basic forms of fear by Fritz Riemann. It might sound like heavy stuff at first. But: Let me take you on a humorous journey through the theory and practice of modern dating and its pitfalls.
John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory: Who’s Responsible for This?
John Bowlby was a psychologist who explained how our relationships with our parents influence our later love relationships. Now, you might be thinking, “Great, as if I didn’t have enough problems already.” But it gets better, I promise! Here are the four attachment styles he described:
- Securely Attached: These people feel comfortable in relationships and aren’t afraid of closeness. Example: My dream guy, who trusts me and makes me feel safe—Mr. Right, I’m waiting for you!
- Insecure-Avoidant: These types like to keep their distance and are afraid of too much closeness. Example: The charming guy who suddenly has “a lot of work” after the third date and stops responding.
- Insecure-Ambivalent: These people crave closeness but are simultaneously afraid of rejection. Example: The guy who constantly asks if I really like him, only to disappear when I enthusiastically say yes.
- Disorganized Attachment: These people often have difficult childhood experiences and show contradictory behavior in relationships. Example: The man who is the perfect partner one moment and completely unpredictable the next.
Fritz Riemann’s Basic Forms of Fear: Four Ways to Make Life Difficult
Fritz Riemann was a German psychoanalyst who described four main types of fears that influence our behavior. I know, this also sounds like heavy stuff, but believe me, understanding why you sometimes behave so strangely can be enlightening.
- Fear of Commitment: People with this fear love their freedom and are afraid of losing it in a relationship. Example: The guy who’d rather travel the world than commit to a serious relationship.
- Fear of Becoming Oneself: These people are afraid of being alone and long for validation. Example: The man who calls three times a day to make sure I still like him.
- Fear of Change: These people don’t like change and prefer stability. Example: A guy who has lived in the same small apartment for ten years and can’t imagine ever moving.
- Fear of Finiteness: These people are afraid of death and the impermanence of life. Example: A man who constantly talks about how short life is and doesn’t want anything serious because “what if we don’t live forever?”
(Online) Dating and Attachment Theories: A Modern Love Marathon
In (online) dating, we can use our knowledge of attachment styles and fears to separate the wheat from the chaff. Here are a few tips from my own experience:
- Self-Reflection: Consider your attachment style and what fears influence you. Example: If you find that you have a secure attachment style (congratulations!), look for someone who also values closeness and trust.
- Profile Design: Be honest about your needs and expectations. For instance, you might write that you’re looking for someone who enjoys spending time together and values trust. Don’t worry; this will only scare off those who aren’t a good fit anyway.
- Communication: Talk openly with your dates about your feelings and fears. Example: If you feel uncertain, discuss it with your date. This builds trust and clarity.
- Patience: Be patient with yourself and your potential partner. Changes take time. Example: If your date seems “insecure-ambivalent,” try to show understanding and help them build trust.
Always the Wrong Men? Welcome to the Club
Now, if you’re like me, you’ve probably kissed one or two frogs, hoping they’d turn into princes. But somehow, we seem to keep making the same mistakes. It’s frustrating, right? It took me a long time to realize that my attachment style and old patterns and beliefs from childhood play a significant role in why I keep falling for the wrong men.
Maybe you’ve also wondered why you keep ending up with the same type of guy who ultimately isn’t good for you. Maybe it’s the charming free spirit who initially sweeps you off your feet and then suddenly disappears. Or the loving type who suddenly becomes clingy and suffocating. I ask myself, “Why does this keep happening to me?”
The Realization: Is It My Fault?
The big “aha” moment came when I realized that I was acting out of habit and old childhood patterns. These patterns may have helped me back then, but now they’re holding me back. I had to learn (the hard way) that my attachment style, shaped by my early experiences, is crucial in determining which men I attract and why I keep getting entangled in the same (toxic) relationship patterns.
Dealing with Frustration: Navigating the Highs and Lows
On the search for “Mr. Right,” there will be highs and lows, and unfortunately, that’s completely normal. Frustration and disappointment are part of the process, but there are ways to deal with them:
Friends: Spend time with friends who can support and cheer you up. A girls’ night with lots of laughter can work wonders.
Exercise: Physical activity helps clear your mind and reduce stress. Whether it’s jogging, yoga, or an intense workout—movement feels good.
Meditation: Meditation can help you relax and find inner peace. Just a few minutes a day can make a big difference. Tip: There are plenty of such videos on YouTube. Try out what appeals to you and makes you feel good!
Humor: Laugh about the crazy dates and strange encounters. Sometimes life is just funny, and humor is the best medicine.
Remember— I try to do this repeatedly with varying degrees of success—: “Life is a journey, not a destination.” The path to love may be long and rocky, but every experience brings you closer to yourself and what you really want.
A Matter of Chemistry or Who We Can Really Smell
You might already be wondering what this post has to do with Bonnie Garmus’ book “Lessons in Chemistry.” Actually, quite a lot. Garmus, in my opinion, has delivered a remarkable book. Among other things, it’s about what chemistry has to do with self-reflection, even in the search for a partner. I quote from the book: “Chemistry is change. When self-doubt creeps in, when fear grabs hold of you, always remember that courage is the foundation for change. And we are chemically designed to change. So when you wake up tomorrow, make this resolution: No more false modesty. No more submission to the opinions of others who want to tell you what you can and cannot achieve!”
A Little Statistics
After all this information, I wondered how many people are “securely attached” on average. In other words, what are the chances of meeting such a person? I found that according to a meta-analysis by Van IJzendoorn and Kroonenberg (1988), the proportion of securely attached children is about 65%. They compiled data from different countries and cultures. For adults, Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver found that it’s about 56% (so 9% seem to have been “lost” on the way to adulthood). So statistically, there’s a 50:50 chance of meeting a person with a secure attachment style. Well, that’s something. Now I can almost see the question forming in your eyes: “And how do I recognize a person with a secure attachment style?” That, well, that seems to be a question for another post.
Conclusion: With Knowledge Comes Love
The search for the right man is an exciting and sometimes exhausting and crazy journey. With knowledge of attachment theories and fears, we can better understand ourselves and consciously look for a partner who suits us. Especially in online dating, these insights can help us make better decisions and build more fulfilling relationships. So, take the first step and use this knowledge to find your own love story—I’m rooting for you!
And remember: Sometimes the journey is the goal, and a little humor makes the trip more enjoyable. Cheers to love and to us!
Stay tuned, because in the second part of the miniseries “Always the Wrong Men? Welcome to the Club!” I’ll be talking about how you can recognize Mr. Right.
