How I learn to love myself – part five
To love myself also means to realize my onw needs and to express them towards others – without fear. Why is this such a big thing? For two reasons: On the one hand there is the difficulty to identify one’s own needs at all. On the other hand there is the fear of being rejected by the respondent. To stand up for oneself always bears the risk to be refused by others and being seen as egoistic or strong-willed.
A question of trust
The difficulty to notice one’s own needs and to communicate them can be due to the fact that the environment in the childhood days did not support the formation of an own will or sanctified it. Fear of withdrawal of love can lead to conformity and the feeling that the needs of others are also mine. Later in life and can be difficult to differ between my wishes and the ones of others.
First of all it is a matter of trust. The trust in oneself. Can I trust myself to realize my cravings? Do I have the confidence in myself to bear negative reactions on the utterance of my wishes and to cope with this experience? Am I confident in my ability to establish good and sound relations to others while I remain true to myself?
Last friday when I returned home from a concert I turned the TV on. The channel Arte showed a documentary on Tina Turner. It is definitely not the first feature on this fascinating woman. But I am once more amazed how strong she became in course of her life. How she made her life a success story out of nothing! And how she remained friendly and modest despite.
Simply the best
Concerning the path to oneself Tina Turner is an absolute role model for me. The development of her life shows clearly that personal growth changes one’s life to the positive and makes better experience possible. And these better dicisions do not only have an impact on Tina’s professional but also on her private life. Of course, she does not only have happy times in her “second” life but. But it seems that she has the power and the belief in herself to cope with every challenge life might put on her. That is absolutely admirable in my view. In an interview she once said: “It is important that I believe in me and in my possibilities. Because if we really do believe in us we feel selb-confidence. And that is exactly what we communicate to others.”
What’s love go to do with it?
An there is another aspect that is important when it comes to loving oneself. The film “The world will be a different one” shows me what. Namely how important it is to stay true to oneself even if that means that you have to leave somebody you really love.
Surely there will be viewers who experience this movie in a different way. But my point of view is as follows: The two protagonists called Asli and Saeed meet each other on a party and fall in love. Asli is Turkish, Saeed is Libanese. They both study in Germany. Even though Asli’s mother is against the love affair that get married secretly in a mosque in Hamburg.
After a while Saeed disappears for a couple of month in Jemen. He does not tell his wife what is his business there. She learns about his undertaking from an SMS on his mobile. Asli does not tell anybody about this, that’s what she promised to Saeed. Upon his return he promises that “it” is over and he is going to stay with her. Some time later he talks about a training offer from an aviation school in Florida. At that point the audience can tell what it is going to be. But Asli does not guess anything or is not willing to do so. She visits her husband in America but she does not notive anything weired yet. Upon her return to German she goes to hospital for a couple of days. These are the first days of September 2001.
When she watches the attacs on the World Trade Center on TV she cannot turn a blind eye on this any longer. Shortly after she receives a message from the aviation school in Florida. She walks to the police to make her phone call to Florida from there. It is clear enough by then that Saeed flew one of the planes crashing into the towers. He’s dead. He left a farewell letter to Asli, writing to her in a proud voice that the world will be a different one from now on.
Only second best
Why does this story affects me? Because it has something to do with me. It is the way I interpret the relation between Asli and Saeed. In the film it becomes obvious that the relationship between them is coined by deep love. And even though Saeed proofs his love again and again by his deeds and with words, the question remains why he does all that to Asli even though he loves her that much? And isn’t it that the puts his project first and Asli second? And did he not demand from her multiple times that she keeps his secret admitting by that that he is aware of his deeds? And isn’t it that she is only “number two” in his life next to his mission?
And how about Asli’s behaviour? Shouldn’t she got aware of the whole thing after Saeed’s journey to Jemen and his multiple visits to the mosque? And why does she stick to Saeeds forced promise and does not tell anythings to his parents either even though they are frightened? Ultimately Asli does not decide in her own favour but in Saeed’s. She decides against her doubts, her values and her feelings that there is something more important in Saeed’s life than she is. Even though there are signs again and again for some kind of emancipation Asli remains true to Saeed and not to herself down to the wire.
I experienced the same but in a different context: to play the second fiddle in a relationsship. And I made the mistake not to remain true to myself and my needs but to listen to my fears that my partner might not be open for my wishes and could reject me for that.
But in the end things are like Billy Joel says in his song “A matter of trust”: “But you’re going to face a moment of truth. It’s hard when you’re always afraid. You just recover when another belief is betrayed.” In other words: Who does not believe in itself will not believed in. Who does not show respect to oneself will not be respected by others. And who does not love oneself enough will not receive enough love from others too.
For this reason I choose a heart of rosequarz for this article, because it is an important healing stone for the heart. So, put your hand on your heart, believe in yourself and love yourself for it!
