How I learn to love myself – part four
Currently many things are crossing my mind. A lot of things are happening which I never considered possible before. Everything started at my occupational therapy. To my mind I have the best occupational therapist you can ever imagine. Approximately four weeks ago she brought a book and some cards with her. I hope it does not sound too presumptuous but I have the feeling that the work with the book called “the healing energy of colours” really changed my life and it still does. On that afternoon we did the so called “Siebenerlegung” for me. The procedure is as follows: You draw seven cards and put them subsurface on the table. Time after time you turn the cards and read the corresponding text from the book. The first card marks either the topic, the wish or the person standing in the focus of the reflection. The cards two to six show the stepwise development and the last and seventh card is the result. I was faszinated in such a way that I decided to buy the book for myself.
A spiritual connection
My first card is the spiritual connection marking the subject that I focus on. At first I cannot understand the background of the card. I cannot find the missing link. Upon turning aroudn the cards I feel a slightly pending emotion connected to a pleasant tingleing which transition into some kind of lightness. My therapist reads every card for me and I drift deeper and deeper into my fantasy and try to absorb the words and to understand the interrelation. It feels as good as in the past when my grandma read out aloud fairy tales to me. Later on we make an energetic relaxation exercise. It is for the first time in years that I feel well. Something got started and I do not know now what it is.
When the books with the cards arrives I reproduce the “Siebenerlegung” at my place and read once more all the texts, reflections and practical stimulations. This time the feeling that I get is different. I still cannot catch the meaning of all cards to me but the realizations dawns soon. Maybe I still cannot believe what the cards hold for me but I feel I am on the right track.
The interpretation of the card “spiritual connection” – my topic – goes like: There is a subtle level in relations which connects us via vibrations”. I know immediately which relation this is all about but I am not ready to believe it. I am still trying to understand everything with my head not with my heart.
Two side of a coin
“Way to you”, my third card, has the strongest impact on me. The sentence “Somebody who belongs to you is waiting for you. Maybe he is already in your life? If not, he’s to come.” I am absolutely spellbound and think immediately on the person to whom I have a spiritual conncection. Still I do not dare to trust this feeling. My former Ego is still active and senses the danger of being rejected and also of deception, because can I really trust my feeling? I remain careful and wait and see how things simmer.
All of a sudden, maybe a week after this inspiration my intuition is being verified at the Rapid Transformation Therapy-Session. Without having ever thought of or even having expected it the topic repeats itself. But I am still using the brakes, my inner critic sounds a note of caution, conjures negative memories into my mind which let me hesitate. I put this idea aside, occupy myself with other things but realize at the same time how this thought bothers me. Am I brave enough to leap in the dark, to trust my inspiration and thus myself? Do I trust myself enough to manage rejection or disappointment?
An inconvenient truth
A day card that I draw brings the turn. It is the “Zeitbrücke”. It is said: “Walk along the time base to the point where you wishes for something that should happen. Then walk to the point where you realized it“. Even though I do not understand that sentence at first I feel that it is important to me and that I want to get to the bottom of the secret. I discuss the thing with my occupational therapist which leads us to the antroposophical siebtjahr (seven year). She suggests that I find a corresponding picture of me symbolizing every seven years period and write down an important incident that happened during that time. The result is breathtaking. Without this method I would have never come across the banishing message behind which I imposed on myself.
Driving with the brakes on
On the one hand I am appalled by the result of this exercise. On the other hand I am relieved that the secret is out and has been transfered into my consciousness. Because a soon as a (negative) message has been transfered into my consciousness I can work on it. But at first I have to swallow the bitter pill and learn to cope with it.
A song by Del Amitri crosses my mind, it is called “driving with the brakes on” title=”YouTube-Video” rel=”noopener” target=”_blank”>Driving with the brakes on“. This is how it feels, like I have been driving all my previous life with the brakes on. And once again I realize that I have two possibilities by now: either I immerse into my past and let myself overwhelm by negative experiences or I decide to look ahead and to make the best out of my latest findings. The second option seems to be more and more attractive to me. Once again I send my inner critic packing and try out the alternative on the following day.
