How I learn to love myself – part two
Today I go into the thick of things and dedicate myself to a particular difficult chapter on the way to love for myself: the inner critic. This awkward condition, that is how I want to call it here, is labelled in psychology as one kind of Ego-State. The persistence of the inner critic can be symbolized by a Donald Trump who is supposed to exile from the Oval Office. Well, I guess you remember what kind of hard fight that was.
Who is that inner critic?
The inner critic is a kind of self-protection that you put on as a child to protect yourself from punishment, blame and the fear connected to it. And that is the main function of this “dictator”, whereas this defence-mechanism rendered a good service in your childhood, it prevents us as adults from having a positive and life-affirming attitude towards ourselves.
Let me give you an example: the inner critic expresses itself whenever I plan to undertake something nice or just imagine to do so. While I envision all the details of the project I constantly hear a voice whispering into my ears: “don’t do it”, “you won’t make it”, “the person does not like you”. In the end I cancel my idea, there is no point in that. I cannot manage to trust my positive emotions, the inner critic kind of hammering the plan to death.
You might think, well, then stop listening to your inner critic. Well, that’s when the metapher with Donald Trump comes again into play. It is easier said than done. This ego state is also a part of me. And well, maybe it still serves me somehow by protecting me from harm.
Haste makes waste
Even if you want it so badly, the inner critic does not vanish easily from our lives, not by reading books or by booking a seminar or via taking part in a self-help group. The transformation of the negative emotions takes time and confirmation, a lot of confirmation. I am talking about a process not a miraculous healing. And most of all processes need one thing: patience, discipline and the steadfast believe that I can make it and will even manage a setback.
Well, you might guess it already I am talking about hard work on oneself. And believe me your inner critic will not support you. Affirmation however can do the job. Here is one example. The sentence: “I will be happier day by day”. Uttering this sentence alone will make a change and will give you a positive feeling.
You might think: “What kind of rubbish is that? I am supposed to tell this to myself?” And it might feel a little bit awkward to do so. But why? You deserve to be happy! And even more, because you do not only do something good to yourself but also to your environment. Because anybody likes to spend time with happy people sending out positive energy. Think about it.
Letting go but keeping to it
And if you say this sentence “I will be happier day by day” to yourself again and again over a long period, let’s say days, weeks or even months, then you will realize that positive thoughts will nest in your head slowly but surely and the relation between negative to positive ideas will be more and more equal and maybe change to the better. If you be proud of yourself because you did it on your own! And I think that sounds like a tempting goal.
Try more mindfulness
And there is another thing: Have some “fun” by observing your fellow human beings and pay especially close attention to how often negative expections or attitudes are being aired, such as: “The heat is unbearable”, “Corona is getting on my nerves” and so on. And pay attention to the affect the sentence has on you. And how would it feel if the sentences would go like this instead: “I love the heat”, “the Corona crisis brought my family closer together”.
The greatest hope
The singer Don Henley is quoted like this:
“I understand that present happiness is no guarantee of future joy, but is our greatest hope.”
And isn’t it more beautiful and fulfilling to imagine one’s own life as happy, beloved and full of affection? My suggestion: Give your inner critic a heat day for today and just enjoy your critic-free time.
